And Maybe Then I Can Forgive Myself
by NikiD1233
Summary: "And I'm sorry for all the things that I've done but I don't know how to make up for them. So I'm going to do this, and maybe one day, you all can forgive me, and maybe then I can forgive myself." A oneshot for Suicide Prevention Day. WARNING: CURSING AND MIGHT BE A TRIGGER. Please read the AN at the end. Thank you (:


Annabeth sobbed as she looked down at the marble headstone. It was average sized and modest, and while she and everybody else knew he deserved something so much greater, this is what he would have wanted. Something normal. She let out another sob. She shouldn't even have to be looking at a headstone. But alas, here she was, three months after he died, looking down at his headstone.

**Percy Jackson**

**Beloved son, lover, friend, and hero**

**August 18, 1993 - June 16, 2012**

"Why, Percy? Why? Why did you have to go?" she cried, falling to her knees in front of the grave.

_I looked into the mirror and took in my appearance. Messy black hair, pale skin, sunken in eyes, prominent cheekbones. Scars all over my torso, scars and cuts up and down my wrists, blood still slowly pumping out of some cuts and the razor still clutched tightly in my hand._

_Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. _

"I loved you, you know? I loved you so, so much."

_"Nobody loves you. You're disgusting. A killer. You killed them, and they were your friends. Bianca, Zoe, Castor, Michael, Lee, Ethan, Beckendorf, Silena, Luke, Reyna, Nico. They were your friends, and you killed them. You're a murderer, a cold hearted killer." my reflection snarled, and I sobbed._

_"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're right." _

"You could have talked to me, you know? I would've always listened. You were always there for me, why wouldn't you let me be there for you?"

_"Why are you still here, when they're not? They should be here, they deserve to be here, not you. And you still have friends? You're just going to kill them too."_

_"I know, I know. I don't deserve anything, I don't deserve anyone. I'm just going to kill them. I know, I know, and I hate myself for it."_

"Why did you leave me here? I'm alone. So, so alone now. I need you."

_"Yet you're still here, and they're not, and people still love you."_

_"I'm still here, but nobody loves me. How can they love me when I don't love myself?"_

"Oh gods, Percy! Why couldn't you just come to us?"

_"Good. You're alone. You deserve to be alone. You don't deserve to be loved. Why bother the people who hate you?"_

_"I'm alone. I'm unloved. I would never bother the people who hate me, they have reason enough already, don't need to hear about my petty problems to make them hate me even more."_

"Percy, I don't know what to do with you here! You were my best friend and the love of my life. You made me happy."

_"They don't need you. They don't want you. So why are you still here?"_

_"I don't know."_

"When we were younger, I used to have dreams that we would get married and live a happy life with a bit of adventure in between, but we would love it because that was just us. How can my dreams come true now, Percy? All of them had you in it, and you're gone now."

_"You have no hopes. No dreams. Nothing to live for. Nothing that doesn't involve anyone else, at least, because you're such a selfish fucking bastard. So why are you alive?"_

_"I don't know!" I screamed falling to my knees in front of the mirror._

_"If you don't know, then why don't you find out! Or would you rather I tell you? I mean, you are a Seaweed Brain after all." my reflection sneered, and I let out a choked sob. "Stop crying! You don't deserve to cry! You don't deserve to feel! You don't deserve anything!"_

_I rose my hand towards my face immediately, dropping the razor, and rubbed at my face to muffle my sobs and hopefully stop, smearing the blood that dripped onto my hands onto my face._

_"Good, good. Now, why are you still alive?"_

_"I don't know." I sobbed._

_"It's because you're a COWARD!" _

_"I know! I know I'm a coward! I'm a coward, a murderer, a bastard. I killed people I cared for, I couldn't save them. I'm still alive and they're not! I'm fucking disgusting, breathing the air they should be breathing and talking to the people they should be talking to! I hate myself so fucking much and that's really funny in a messed up way because if even I hate myself, that means nobody loves me. I'm all alone and I don't deserve anything better! I did this to myself! I deserve it! I deserve to be dead!" I screamed. _

_"So go on then, you got your little shiny friend on the floor over there. Take care of it, then."_

"I'm so lost without you. I've been going on three years without you, and I have no clue how I've survived this long. I don't know what to do without you here."

_"Go on, just a little cut on each damned wrist and you'll be dead. Like you deserve."_

_"I deserve to be dead. I deserve to suffer. You're right."_

_And slash each damned wrist I did, and I sat against the mirror and let out a slow breath._

_"My name is Percy Jackson. I'm nineteen years old. I'm unloved. I'm alone. I hate myself. And I killed myself."_

"You were always great at miracles, Percy. So one more thing, one more miracle, Percy, for me. Don't. Be. Dead. Would you do that? Just for me. Just stop it. Stop this."

_"And I'm sorry for all the things that I've done but I don't know how to make up for them. So I'm going to do this, and maybe one day, you all can forgive me, and maybe then I can forgive myself."_

* * *

_"So one more thing, one more miracle, Percy, for me. Don't. Be. Dead. Would you do that? Just for me. Just stop it. Stop this." is not mine and is actually from the BBC show Sherlock, the episode is The Reichenbach Fall, and I take no credit for this sentence whatsoever. I do not own Percy Jackson and the characters used are not mine. The only thing that is mine is the storyline._

* * *

**Hey guys, so as some of you may know, today is Suicide Prevention Day. Last year I wrote a story for Suicide Prevention Day, but it was more about suicide due to bullying. This one kinda shows you inside the mind of someone suffering from depression and how they feel, as well as how some of the people they leave behind might feel. I just want to let you guys know that I love each and every single one of you, and you all mean the world to me. If you ever need to talk, I have a kik, it's nikid1233, and I will respond as soon as I possibly can. Here is the suicide hotline number (US), if you don't feel comfortable talking to me, talk to them, they will help: 1-800-273-8255. Remember, you are worth so much, so please promise me that you will never give up. I want to thank you all for reading my story, because this really means a lot to me. So thank you. I love you all to the moon and back (: Until next time! ~NikiD1233**


End file.
